Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll

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Postal Review


Bad
Uwe Boll is not Satan. Nor is he Beelzebub, Scratch, the Prince of Darkness, or even Petey Wheatstraw. Boll is just a fanatic with a lunatic mission -- to bring cinematic versions of disruptive, low-rent video games (BloodRayne, House of the Dead) to movie screens and, in due course, to bargain DVD bins in Walmartopia department stores around the world. Boll's misbegotten passion can be seen in every frame of his video game aggrandizements, and like Peter Lorre in M, he can't help it.

His new film, Postal, starts off in high octane farcical mode, as two terrorists, United 93 style, have taken over the control of a jet en route to martyrdom, and are disagreeing whether they were told that 100 or 99 virgins will await them in the afterlife. Putting in a call to Osama bin Laden to find out the exact number of virgins, the boys are informed that the number of virgins has been reduced to 10 per recruit because, with all the martyrs signing up, there are not enough virgins to go around. With that, the terrorists decide to forget the whole thing and take the plane to the Bahamas. At that point, the passengers burst in and send the plane crashing. Cut to a window washer on the side of a World Trade Center tower looking over his shoulder as a plane approaches behind him and crashes into the building. Here Boll positions the Postal as a masterpiece of bad taste, sending up the post-9/11 landscape, debunking the purloining of horrific events by politicians and the media for patriotic and political chicanery.

Continue reading: Postal Review

In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale Review


Terrible
Uwe Boll has no soul. He has no moviemaking skill or artistic acumen, either. Yet somehow, thanks to a deal with the devil, someone trying to launder a buttload of illicit cash, or a back room loaded with blackmail fodder, he keeps getting to regularly desecrate cinema -- i.e. direct films. Terry Gilliam can't get a job. David Lynch has to go to home movie technology to get something made, and yet this German joke has no less than nine projects either completed or in development, and his latest is staining a theater screen somewhere near you. As usual, Boll is about five years late to the Lord of the Rings ripoff race. However, if you're longing for another lame copy of every crappy sword-and-sorcery epic ever made, In the Name of the King is it.

The story is a little scattered, but the main narrative strand involves a chiseled chump named Farmer (Jason Statham), who vows vengeance on the evil Krugs for destroying his family. Along with pal Norick (Ron Pearlman) and brother-in-law Bastian (Will Sanderson), they defy King Konreid (Burt Reynolds; yes, you read that right) and head out looking for payback. Along the way, they confront the mud-dog creatures led by wicked wizard Gallian (Ray Liotta; yes, you read that right as well). Our malevolent magic maker has been literally sucking the power out of his rival Merick's (John Rhys-Davis) daughter Muriella (Leelee Sobieski; so here's where she went!), and with the help of the ruler's inelegant nephew Fallow (Matthew Lillard), he plans to overthrow the court and use the Krug as his new army. On the way to a final confrontation between Farmer and Gallian, we get lots of pseudo-spectacle swordplay, some bad CGI vistas, and a visit from Cirque de Soleil in the form of acrobatic tree-dwellers whose leader (Kristanna Loken) hates humans.

Continue reading: In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale Review

Bloodrayne Review


Terrible
German director Uwe Boll is making a name for himself as a schlockster, methodically working his way through a long list of video game adaptations for the silver screen, to painfully bad effect. Now, hot on the heels of the almost-straight-to-video Alone in the Dark with Christian Slater and Tara Reid, Boll is hitting us again with a film adaptation of the hot vampire title BloodRayne. And this is just a brief stop on the road to upcoming productions of Dungeon Siege, Far Cry, and Hunter: The Reckoning. Sadly, Boll is rushing so quickly through each of these absurdly bad pictures that he isn't taking the time to put the schlock where it belongs, so even fans of bad cinema are going to be pretty disappointed.

BloodRayne is the story of a red-headed half-vampire vixen (Kristanna Loken), a dhampir, on a mission to take revenge against her vampire father (inexplicably portrayed here by a wooden and probably somewhat disoriented Ben Kingsley) and the kingdom of night stalkers over which he rules. There are some motivations behind all this, and from time to time Kingsley and Loken utter lines apparently intended to illustrate these motivations, but mostly it doesn't make sense at all and it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that Rayne comes equipped with a pair of awkward-looking sword-type things and she knows how to use them. Well, she doesn't really, but a series of quick edits make that a moot point.

Continue reading: Bloodrayne Review

Alone In The Dark Review


Terrible
In October 2003, Uwe Boll directed House of the Dead, easily one of the worst movies I've seen in the last five years. Fewer than two years later, Boll brings us Alone in the Dark, with a cast of recognizable, albeit fading stars (Tara Reid, Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff), and a nationwide release.

This is like getting a promotion after setting the boss's desk on fire. How does this happen?

Continue reading: Alone In The Dark Review

House Of The Dead Review


Terrible
I've seen a lot of bad movies in my short career as a movie critic, but the video-game-inspired House of the Dead poses a new challenge. I feel a typical review would do little or no good. You've seen the commercials with a bunch of young people firing endless rounds into zombies. Well, that's the movie, minus DMX's rapping. Sure, there are a couple of bare breasts here and there, but what you see in those 90-second spots is what's waiting for you at the multiplex.

There's nothing of substance to discuss. All I have is a lot of hatred welling inside of me. So, I figured a timeline would work, that way I can see what went wrong. I didn't have a watch on me at the screening, but I figured since time passed so slowly, my estimates are pretty accurate

Continue reading: House Of The Dead Review

Uwe Boll

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Uwe Boll Movies

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale Movie Review

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale Movie Review

Uwe Boll has no soul. He has no moviemaking skill or artistic acumen, either. Yet...

Bloodrayne Movie Review

Bloodrayne Movie Review

German director Uwe Boll is making a name for himself as a schlockster, methodically working...

Alone In The Dark Movie Review

Alone In The Dark Movie Review

In October 2003, Uwe Boll directed House of the Dead, easily one of the worst...

House of the Dead Movie Review

House of the Dead Movie Review

I've seen a lot of bad movies in my short career as a movie critic,...

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