R&B star Rihanna broke off her relationship with abusive boyfriend Chris Brown because she "resented" every minute she spent with him following the brutal February (09) assault.
The Bajan singer suffered cuts and bruises to her face and body after the Kiss Kiss hitmaker beat her up in his rented car following a pre-Grammy party in Hollywood.
Fans of Rihanna were shocked to discover she had reunited with Brown weeks later, when they were snapped spending time together at rap mogul Sean 'Diddy' Combs' mansion in Miami, Florida.
Rihanna admits she felt "confused with emotions" as she tried to come to terms with the incident, but needed to support Brown as he dealt with the aftermath of the assault.
Speaking on U.S. news show 20/20 on Friday (06Nov09), she says, "Point blank denial is (when) you start lying to yourself. As soon as the physical wounds go away, you want this to go away, this is something you don't want to remember ever again. So the minute the physical wounds go away you try to put it to the back of your head and you start lying to yourself subconsciously.
"Initially you start thinking, what could I possibly have said to make him hit me? You play this in your head and eventually you just stop. I didn't talk about it to anyone, not friends, family, I didn't want anybody looking at me, like, 'There goes the victim', so I felt really lonely. There were times when I cried, there were times when I just sat there and watched TV.
"I'm like, if I feel this depressed, what is he feeling? Again, lying to yourself, I had to protect him. The whole world hates him now? His fans, his career? He lost me, I just need to let him know, don't do anything stupid. Everything was going through my head because I know he's never had to deal with something like this. I'm not saying that's an excuse for me to go back, but this is what I was thinking about.
"It was confusing for me. I was still attached by love, but I wasn't thinking about the reality of the situation. I felt like, I built this empire and the man that I love beat me and because I'm going back, I'm going to lose it? No. And even then you start lying to yourself and then I just felt, no, that's selfish, I can't think like that again, this is selfish, what if I am supposed to help him?"
But Rihanna confesses she had no choice but to split from Brown when her love for him turned into "hate" and she began "resenting" him.
She adds, "Shortly after Miami. I went back to Los Angeles and just said to him, 'I can't do this.' I resented him. I resented him so much. And I always put the tough face on... and just try to play it off. But he knew. He knew it. He kept asking me, 'You hate me, don't you? You hate me.'And I would lie and I would say, 'No, no.' And... I did hate him. Everything about him annoyed me. So finally, I just said, we can't do this. I cannot continue to do this.
"I spoke to him after that, but we weren't in a relationship. He didn't accept that (breaking up) very well, he obviously didn't want us to be apart. But I knew I had to make a decision for me."
Brown pleaded guilty to the attack in August (09) and was sentenced to five years' probation, anger management counselling and ordered to stay away from Rihanna for the duration of his punishment.