American reality TV star JASON WAHLER is "embarrassed as hell" by his string of alcohol-related arrests in recent months. The 20-year-old entered rehab to treat alcoholism in May (07), the same month as charged with assault, criminal trespass and underage drinking in relation to an April (07) incident when he allegedly hurled racial and homophobic abuse at police while being arrested for punching a hotel security guard. Prosecutors claimed that incident violated his probation for an assault in Los Angeles last September (06). Wahler now accepts he was "killing himself" and is appalled at his behaviour. He tells U.S. magazine People, "I'm embarrassed as hell, but I really do not remember my arrests. They're blackouts. And that's scary. "In Seattle, the guy I allegedly called that (racist name) wasn't even black. I'm not at all racist or homophobic. I was just completely obliterated. "My parents were devastated. They kept pushing for me to get help, but I still didn't think I had a drinking problem - until I went home. "When I was away from L.A., sober, not surrounded with random people, I finally realised, 'I'm killing myself.'"