Witless Protection

"Terrible"

Witless Protection Review


First, he gave us the interesting but incoherent Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector. It was a film so completely devoid of intelligence that the screenplay consistently threatened to choke on its own drool. Not to be outdone, the Blue Collar Tour vet then went military with the mindless Delta Farce. There, he at least had Bill Engvall and D.J. Qualls to share the blame with. Now comes Daniel Lawrence Whitney's latest celebration of skidmarks, atomic flatulence, personal filth, and animal husbandry. And as Witless Protection proves, the timer on this comic's 15 minutes of funnyman fame has hit an hour and a half.

Poor dumb backwoods deputy Larry Stalder (Mr. Cable Guy). He longs to be an FBI agent, much to the chagrin of his country-fried friends and Daisy Mae wannabe gal pal Connie's (Jenny McCarthy). While spending a quiet morning at the local coffee house chewing the fat, he sees a big city vixen (Ivana Milicevic) surrounded by several men in black. Mistakenly believing she's the victim of a kidnapping, Larry springs into action. He hijacks the lady, avoids the mystery men, and believes he has saved the day.

Unfortunately, what he doesn't know is that his hostage, an ex-number cruncher named Madeleine, is a witness against a money skimming corporate crook named Grimsley (Peter Stormare) and the government is doing everything it can to protect her. But Larry is suspicious of head Fed Alonzo Mosley (Yaphet Kotto) and when a private security guard (Eric Roberts) shows up with his own agenda, it will take all of our hero's redneck rube resolve to crack the case and bring the bad guys to justice.

With a built-in critique in its title and a lame excuse for a comic in the lead, Witless Protection should once and for all spell the end of Larry the Cable Guy's horrendous run of Hollywood hokum. Clearly the worst of the three films in his offensive oeuvre, this clueless collection of slobbering gags is a series of unfunny one-liners looking for a premise to perch on and die. While he doesn't sway significantly from the persona that won him a NASCAR nation of fans, the sleeveless stumblebum routine no longer holds the same novelty for our star. This leaves the mindless script by director Charles Robert Carner to provide most of the hilarity. The best it can do is offer a cameo by Joe Mantegna as a prissy relative with the most flamboyant swish shtick this side of Savannah.

Carner's turn behind the lens is equally weak. This is a filmmaker who still believes that sped-up foot chase footage ala Benny Hill is the height of satire, or that the sight of our lead dressed in nothing but a well-placed ball cap will be outrageous, not nauseating. Actors like Stormare are forced to use ridiculous and tiresome accents that grow more and more annoying as the plot points fall into place, and the editing is obtrusive and awkward. There is a Family Guy feel to the dialogue, with Larry constantly using any discussion to make his pointless comparative quips ("My hand hasn't been this sore since the first episode of Baywatch."). In fact, there are moments when these offhand comments actually bring the entire film to a grinding halt.

With Roberts and Kotto looking uncomfortable, Milicevic barely likable, McCarthy channeling another movie all together, and an ending that straddles cliché and contrivance, Witless Protection is quite possibly the worst film of 2008 -- and when you consider we've already seen In The Name of the King, Meet the Spartans, and Fool's Gold, that's saying a lot. On stage, reduced to a homunculus hillbilly stereotype, Larry the Cable Guy is barely tolerable. For the crimes he commits against cinema in this movie, he shouldn't get slammed. He should get life.

Wait, who will protect us?



Witless Protection

Facts and Figures

Run time: 97 mins

In Theaters: Friday 22nd February 2008

Box Office USA: $4.1M

Distributed by: Lions Gate Films

Production compaines: Parallel Films

Reviews

Contactmusic.com: 1 / 5

Rotten Tomatoes: 3%
Fresh: 1 Rotten: 28

IMDB: 3.1 / 10

Cast & Crew

Producer: J.P. Williams

Starring: as Deputy Larry Stalder, as Madeleine, as Connie, as Ricardo Bodi, as Arthur Grimsley, as Wilford Duvall, as Dr. Rondog 'Doc' Savage

Contactmusic


Links



Advertisement

New Movies

Imperium Movie Review

Imperium Movie Review

First-time filmmaker Daniel Ragussis takes an unusual approach to this thriller. Since it's based on...

The Girl With All the Gifts Movie Review

The Girl With All the Gifts Movie Review

Like a 10-years-later follow-up to 28 Days Later, this small British thriller takes a refreshingly...

The Magnificent Seven Movie Review

The Magnificent Seven Movie Review

Director Antoine Fuqua brings his usual fascination with violence to this remake of the iconic...

Bridget Jones's Baby Movie Review

Bridget Jones's Baby Movie Review

As it's been 12 years since the last Bridget Jones movie, expectations aren't too high...

The Beatles: Eight Days a Week - The Touring Years Movie Review

The Beatles: Eight Days a Week - The Touring Years Movie Review

A-list director Ron Howard worked with the surviving Beatles to assemble this engaging documentary, which...

Blair Witch Movie Review

Blair Witch Movie Review

It's been 17 years since The Blair Witch Project shook up the cinema and created...

Anthropoid Movie Review

Anthropoid Movie Review

Outside the Czech Republic, few people know about Operation Anthropoid, a spy mission in 1943...

Advertisement
Kubo and the Two Strings Movie Review

Kubo and the Two Strings Movie Review

From Laika (The Boxtrolls), this is one of the most beautiful, sophisticated animated films in...

Captain Fantastic Movie Review

Captain Fantastic Movie Review

An offbeat comedy-drama with a timely kick, this charming family road trip takes on some...

Hell or High Water Movie Review

Hell or High Water Movie Review

Sicario screenwriter Taylor Sheridan delivers another fiercely intelligent, engaging story that maintains high suspense while...

The 9th Life of Louis Drax Movie Review

The 9th Life of Louis Drax Movie Review

With heavy overtones of Hitchcockian mystery and intrigue, this stylish thriller is the enjoyably melodramatic...

Kickboxer: Vengeance Movie Review

Kickboxer: Vengeance Movie Review

The 1989 Muay Thai action movie Kickboxer starred a young Jean-Claude Van Damme, who pops...

Julieta Movie Review

Julieta Movie Review

Iconic Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodovar is back with another powerfully complex female-centred drama, along the...

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping Movie Review

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping Movie Review

An astute satire of the pop music business, this raucous mock-documentary is consistently hilarious from...

Advertisement
Artists
Actors
    Filmmakers
      Artists
      Bands
        Musicians
          Artists
          Celebrities
             
              Artists
              Interviews
                musicians & bands in the news
                  actors & filmmakers in the news
                    celebrities in the news

                      Go Back in Time using our News archive to see what happened on a particular day in the past.