Valentine

"Bad"

Valentine Review


Well, here's something that will make you wish you'd stayed home to watch Survivor instead of shelling out money at the movies. Hell, Valentine, another entry into the yearly, winter horror crapfest, even makes Temptation Island look good.

What we've got here is your standard grade horror flick in the vein of Scream and Urban Legend, revolving around a mysterious killer devising a supposed revenge plot -- a geeky kid who got a Carrie pulled on him in 6th grade. My how the tables have turned! The bunch of girls who refused to dance with him are now getting killed, 13 years later. Has this nobody returned from obscurity to exact his revenge for having punch poured on him?

We'll have one med school coed get pinched during a midnight autopsy. And of course she will hide in a body bag in a futile attempt to escape the man in the Cupid mask -- who's naturally doing his marauding on Valentine's Day. We'll see all manner of stabbings, shootings, beheadings, boilings, and whatnot -- until 90 minutes later the killer is unmasked.

The film presents us an oh-so-clever puzzler -- is it the 6th grader come back to haunt the girls? Is it one of their dates? Another man from the past? The cop? Or maybe it's the fisherman they ran over and left for dead on a winding road. The possibilities are as endless as they are random.

Valentine is headlined by actresses Denise Richards and Marley Shelton (who, with this and Sugar & Spice, appears to be on the Molly Ringwald road to career suicide), plus a gaggle of totally unknown supporting actresses whose only requirement for appearance appears to have been having very large breasts. (And despite this there's no nudity in the film at all!)

David Boreanaz joins the ladies in a truly pathetic role, stumbling through his lines like he has a hangover. No surprise: His character is a recovering alcoholic.

Prefaced by stern and multiple verbal warnings that Valentine is "very scary and very intense," sadly, we find the only very that applies to this film is very stupid. Simply, thrills are utterly lacking in the film. The murders are fully expected, unoriginal, and lacking in even the most basic sense of horror. And Cupid makes for a stalker about as frightening as Mary Poppins.

Maybe the only thing dumber than the film itself is the fact that it took four screenwriters to bicker over the writing credit. Now that's horror.

You're a mean one, Ms. Richards.



Facts and Figures

Run time: 96 mins

In Theaters: Friday 2nd February 2001

Box Office USA: $19.8M

Distributed by: Warner Bros. Pictures

Production compaines: Warner Bros.

Reviews

Contactmusic.com: 1.5 / 5

Rotten Tomatoes: 8%
Fresh: 6 Rotten: 67

IMDB: 4.6 / 10

Cast & Crew

Director: Jamie Blanks

Producer:

Starring: as Paige Prescott, as Adam Carr, as Kate Davies, as Dorothy Wheeler, as Lily Voight, as Shelley Fisher, Hedy Burress as Ruthie Walker, as Detective Leon Vaughn, as Campbell Morris, as Max Raimi, Woody Jeffreys as Brian, as Jason Marquette, Claude Duhamel as Gary Taylor, Wyatt Page as Evan Wheeler, as Kim Wheeler, Paul Magel as Lance, Haig Sutherland as Bookish Guy, Adrian Holmes as Banker, Ty Olsson as Jock, Daniel Boileau as Shy Guy

Contactmusic


Links



Advertisement

New Movies

Colossal Movie Review

Colossal Movie Review

It's rare to find a movie that so defiantly refuses to be put into a...

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword Movie Review

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword Movie Review

It's unlikely that Guy Ritchie could make a boring movie if he wanted to. This...

Snatched Movie Review

Snatched Movie Review

It doesn't really matter that the script for this lively action-comedy is paper thin: teaming...

Jawbone Movie Review

Jawbone Movie Review

Boxing movies aren't usually this thoughtful. Sure, there are plenty of punchy moments in the...

Whisky Galore! Movie Review

Whisky Galore! Movie Review

Scottish filmmaker Gillies MacKinnon (Hideous Kinky) remakes the 1949 Ealing comedy classic, although it's difficult...

Alien: Covenant Movie Review

Alien: Covenant Movie Review

Master filmmaker Ridley Scott is back to continue the story 10 years after the events...

The Journey (2017) Movie Review

The Journey (2017) Movie Review

A fictionalised account of real events, this drama is reminiscent of Peter Morgan's work in...

Advertisement
Sleepless Movie Review

Sleepless Movie Review

In remaking the 2011 French thriller Sleepless Night, the filmmakers have dumbed down both the...

Unlocked Movie Review

Unlocked Movie Review

By injecting a steady sense of fun, this slick but mindless action thriller both holds...

Lady Macbeth Movie Review

Lady Macbeth Movie Review

A seriously impressive feature directing debut with a star-making central performance, this period British drama...

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Movie Review

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Movie Review

It was never going to be easy to match the impact of 2014's Guardians of...

The Promise Movie Review

The Promise Movie Review

The director of Hotel Rwanda, Terry George, turns to another humanitarian horror: the systematic murder...

Their Finest Movie Review

Their Finest Movie Review

Skilfully written, directed and acted, this offbeat British period film tells a story that catches...

Unforgettable Movie Review

Unforgettable Movie Review

With heavy echoes of trashy thrillers like Fatal Attraction, this movie overcomes its painfully simplistic...

Advertisement
Artists
Actors
    Filmmakers
      Artists
      Bands
        Musicians
          Artists
          Celebrities
             
              Artists
              Interviews
                musicians & bands in the news
                  actors & filmmakers in the news
                    celebrities in the news

                      Go Back in Time using our News archive to see what happened on a particular day in the past.