Jane Eyre

"Bad"

Jane Eyre Review


One of these days, Hollywood is going to run out of old Brontë sisters/Jane Austen books to make into films. Then, and only then, will the world be safe once again.

Don't get me wrong, I loved Sense And Sensibility (it even made my 1995 top ten list), but I gave Persuasion one of the worst reviews of the year. Here comes Jane Eyre to follow in the latter's footsteps.

Jane Eyre is based on one of those books you were supposed to read in high school (entitled, oddly, Jane Eyre), but which was so damn boring you couldn't even get through the Cliff's Notes. The film is almost as exciting as one would expect a film about, say, the book, Jane Eyre, to be. It's full of longing glances, Jane (Charlotte Gainsbourg) staring into the hills of England, Jane prancing through the meadow, Jane in a carriage, and important lines like, "He is a proud man." And, sadly, not much else.

The hopelessly archaic story is one of love and idiocy in the early 1800s, when men could keep their insane first wives locked up in the spare room of the castle (those were the days!). It was also a time when, for no apparent reason, you could expect a young governess to fall in love with her invalid boss. There are some other plot points of note, but really, who cares? There are much better things to laugh about! Such as:

Gainsbourg, best described as a British girl with a really long neck and really fat cheeks, was recently seen in the film Kung Fu Master! Who better to play Ms. Eyre, really? Anna Paquin plays Young Jane but is completely devoid of the charm that endeared her to me in The Piano (and won her an Oscar). Elle Macpherson is Rochester's girly friend (inexplicably jilted in the second film within a month)! Maria Schneider pulls off a totally toys-in-the-attic portrayal of Blanche, the crazy first wife. Amanda Root, who sucked in Persuasion, doesn't suck as badly here, but still causes me to break out in hives when she's on screen (fortunately briefly). And...the kicker...William Hurt as Rochester!? Ho ho ho!

As if the casting and acting weren't enough to make this a bomb, we've got an interminable story that just won't end, a really dumb ending when it finally does, half of the audience laughing at the "high drama," the other half asleep, and, worst of all, a film that is so archaic and out-of-date that it's almost insulting to watch. How helpful and/or truly relevant is this story of Victorian obsession and self-destruction today? Who would act in a manner remotely similar to these people, except my psychopathic ex who fancied herself to be Blanche (but that's another story)? Putting it all together, Jane Eyre manages to be not just a very bad movie, but to be irresponsible as well. Keep away.

Jane, searching for a clue, somewhere--anywhere.



Jane Eyre

Facts and Figures

Run time: 120 mins

In Theaters: Friday 9th September 2011

Box Office USA: $11.2M

Box Office Worldwide: $11M

Distributed by: Focus Features

Production compaines: BBC Films, Ruby Films

Reviews

Contactmusic.com: 1.5 / 5

Rotten Tomatoes: 84%
Fresh: 124 Rotten: 23

IMDB: 7.4 / 10

Cast & Crew

Producer:

Starring: as Jane Eyre, as St. John, as Edward Rochester, as Mrs. Fairfax, Su Elliott as Hannah, as Diana Rivers, as Mary Rivers, Amelia Clarkson as Young Jane, as John Reed, as Mrs. Reed, Lizzie Hopley as Miss Abbot, as Bessie, Freya Wilson as Eliza Reed, Emily Haigh as Georgiana Reed, as Mr. Brocklehurst, Sandy McDade as Miss Scatcherd, Freya Parks as Helen Burns, Edwina Elek as Miss Temple, Ewart James Walters as John, Georgia Bourke as Leah, Sally Reeve as Martha, Romy Settbon Moore as Adèle Varens, Eglantine Rembauville-Nicolle as Sophie, Rosie Cavaliero as Grace Poole, Angela Curran as Undercook, as Blanche Ingram, as Lady Ingram, Joe Van Moyland as Lord Ingram, Hayden Phillips as Colonel Dent, Laura Phillips as Mrs. Dent, as Richard Mason, Ned Dennehy as Dr. Carter, Joseph Kloska as Clergyman Wood, as Briggs, as Bertha Mason

Contactmusic


Links



Advertisement

New Movies

The Party Movie Review

The Party Movie Review

Comedies don't get much darker than this pitch-black British movie, written and directed by Sally...

The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected) Movie Review

The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected) Movie Review

Noah Baumbach (Frances Ha) is on his way to becoming the new Woody Allen, which...

6 Below Movie Review

6 Below Movie Review

Based on an astonishing true survival story, this film is subtitled "Miracle on the Mountain",...

Mother Movie Review

Mother Movie Review

Darren Aronofsky doesn't make fluffy movies, and has only had one genuine misfire (2014's Noah)....

Blade Runner 2049 Movie Review

Blade Runner 2049 Movie Review

It's been 35 years since Ridley Scott's 1982 sci-fi classic, which was set in 2019....

On the Road Movie Review

On the Road Movie Review

Wolf Alice fans are likely to be rather disappointed by this hybrid documentary-drama about the...

Borg/McEnroe Movie Review

Borg/McEnroe Movie Review

Skilfully made by Swedish filmmaker Janus Metz (the award-winning Armadillo), this film is essentially a...

Advertisement
The Glass Castle Movie Review

The Glass Castle Movie Review

There are quite a few terrific moments in this true story, based on the memoir...

Home Again Movie Review

Home Again Movie Review

Reese Witherspoon is so likeable that she can carry even the most hackneyed of romantic...

Brimstone Movie Review

Brimstone Movie Review

An unnerving Western with a sharp female perspective, this film is a series of gruesome...

Kingsman: The Golden Circle Movie Review

Kingsman: The Golden Circle Movie Review

Two years ago, Kingsman: The Secret Service seemed to come out of nowhere, ruffling feathers...

Goodbye Christopher Robin Movie Review

Goodbye Christopher Robin Movie Review

This biopic about Winnie the Pooh author A.A. Milne may look like the usual lushly...

Wind River Movie Review

Wind River Movie Review

After writing the superb Sicario and Hell or High Water, Taylor Sheridan moves back into...

The Vault Movie Review

The Vault Movie Review

Filmmakers Dan Bush and Conal Byrne attempt a mash-up of a frantic heist movie with...

Advertisement
Artists
Actors
    Filmmakers
      Artists
      Bands
        Musicians
          Artists
          Celebrities
             
              Artists
              Interviews
                musicians & bands in the news
                  actors & filmmakers in the news
                    celebrities in the news

                      Go Back in Time using our News archive to see what happened on a particular day in the past.